A Father's Perspective

Today Wendell talks about a father's role in the early years and with grandchildren. He also talks about his father's role in the family and the impact it has on many generations.

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Transcript

Father's Day

[00:00:00] Tracy: Hi, I'm Tracy. Welcome to the family leadership. 

[00:00:05] Wendell: We help young families develop meaningful relationships so they can lead with purpose and build a legacy for generations to come. 

[00:00:12] Tracy: Let's get started.

Hey, thanks for joining us for another episode of family leadership podcast. How are you doing Wendell? 

[00:00:25] Wendell: Doing all right. Been a long day. Yeah. It's been a long day. Yeah. It's okay. Okay, 

[00:00:30] Tracy: good. Listen, we just want to give a little heads up if you're any additional noises in the background. Any carrot chewing, you know, any barking while we have a few extra guests in our office today.

So, let's get right down to it. I know it's July already. And it seems like time's going by really fast. But today we want to do a recap of father's day because I want to talk about father's day and, for us a lot has happened. So that's why we're just now getting to this. But, since that time we have [00:01:00] had another grand baby born to our family.

So it's. It's been a quite eventful for the last few weeks. And of course, then we had 4th of July, but now we're finally getting to sit down and talk about father's day. One of the things I want to talk about is on father's day that morning, we have a family thread going on, you know, messaging within our family and it always sees a lot of action.

Well, it received a message that morning on father's day from Wendell, also known as Papa, and he sent this message out to the family and I'm going to read it. This is for everyone, but especially Wendell and Michael. Fathers, don't get a day off and it's never about us. I know I slip up all the time and want a day off or get, I get tired and upset, but we can't.

Our family's future depend on us. Like in scripture, husbands love your wives. As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her Ephesians 5 25. Guess what? He died for the church, pretty [00:02:00] high bar for us fathers. Our young self-centered lives are gone. We must die to them. Life is hard and will be hard, but we keep going.

We live for our wife and families as the priest over them. We are their cover for those not married. God has the perfect man for you. One that will honor and cherish you. Don't compromise. Happy father's day. Disclaimer, this is the message from me first and then everyone else it's me being the Papa. So this was your message to the family.

Father's day more. So why write a note on father's day to all the children? 

[00:02:40] Wendell: Yeah, I don't know. I just felt like that it needed to be said we all get self-centered and we all forget our place and we get lazy in being parents. And we forget, I think what our main purpose is. And. [00:03:00] To accomplish our main purpose, what we're called to do.

It's an every day, every moment of the day charge and challenge. And, it's good to be reminded of that kind of thing because, like I said, we can get, and we do get lazy and tired and forget, forgetting. Yeah, I imagine. 

[00:03:20] Tracy: So I imagine, so what do you feel like that you've been a successful father? Well, let me ask you this, how would you, how would you qualify successful?

[00:03:29] Wendell: Well, I do think you have to define that, obviously being a father, you can't judge necessarily whether you've been successful or not until. It's over. Right. And it's not over till you're gone, right. 

[00:03:45] Tracy: Because you never stopped being a parent. Right. Even though your kids are older, you're still their parent, their mother, their 

[00:03:51] Wendell: father.

Yeah. You know, I look back over the years now. We, you know, I forgot to say that [00:04:00] we also celebrated 40 years and we've been on a couple of little trips, you know, and, uh, got a few more to come. You got to do something special after 40 years. Um, so, you know, looking back and we've had a little bit of time when we were away to, to think about.

You know our life together and our kids and all that. And, I, I would say that I clearly have missed opportunities over the last, you know, 40 years and we've known each other 43 or 44 years, but been married for 40 and 36 of those years. We've had children. Yeah. Starting with one. Yeah. Right, right. And then, and then adding, um, but you know, I look back and I say, well, yeah, I've missed opportunities.

I believe this fully that if you live your life with purpose, conviction and integrity, that's enough [00:05:00] and opportunities are not wasted. Right. Your children will remember those things. If you have more than one child, they're going to see you do things over their lives. And, and they'll at the time they'll, they'll think, well, that was stupid or they don't understand it or whatever, but they'll, they'll remember it later.

They'll think back in years to come. Like I said, if you have more than one and at least two of them are more saw that particular opportunity, they're going to take away something different from it. Right. I'm sure that many people have had this experience when of your kid. You know, they'll get older and they can tell you, I remember dad, whenever this happened, you know, and you're thinking, I don't remember that, or I don't remember it that way.

Right. So if you live your life, when I've tried to do is live with purpose, conviction and integrity, the things that I'm [00:06:00] I do as a, as a parent, as a father, as a grandfather, as a husband, I have to believe that. Those things will come through. Anything that, that I've done is, you know, 

[00:06:13] Tracy: uh, right. You've stayed the course.

You have persevered, right? Yeah. That's good. That's good. Who, who is your mentor as a father? Who did you look to? Especially when the kids were younger. Was there anybody in particular or a couple people that you really look to as an example, and as a mentor, 

[00:06:31] Wendell: Yeah, I think it, I think it changed, changed.

You know, when you're younger and your kids are younger and, you know, we had the opportunity to have different mentors in our life, right? Husbands and wives and people that we knew as acquaintances and, and friends, that weren't in an official role as, as mentor. But. They lived their life. Like, like I mentioned before, and I [00:07:00] believe through that it was a mentor.

It was a mentoring opportunity for us. But I think when you, at least for me, when I look back now, after so many years, I think the mentor in my life that was so transformative, it was my father. You know, like I mentioned before, there was things that he did. I didn't understand things that way he would handle certain things. Sometimes it would make me upset because I would see him be the martyr before he would, I guess, call out somebody for doing something wrong. He would, and it bothered me at the time. You know, now I can look, look back and see that those things were characteristics that were made him such a great person in a, in a, in a great, I guess, leader.

And he had so many people that really looked [00:08:00] up to him and I think those were the qualities that they saw. I didn't fully understand at the time, but now I can, I can look back and, and say, that was probably the most. Impactful, mentor that I had. 

[00:08:12] Tracy: Gotcha. What makes sense? It definitely makes sense.

Especially knowing your dad and knowing the role he had in your life that, that would probably be the most important person that you would look to as a father, you know, for that role. Well, looking at that, what do you remember? Being a father with young children. I'm sure. Yeah. 

[00:08:38] Wendell: There's always something going on.

Yeah. You know? Well we have five children and, but the first three were all like just two years apart, roughly give or take a month or two. And so when we had, it was just them, it was. Uh, always something going on. Right. And then we, uh, then we added two more, just a few [00:09:00] short years later, by then the, the older two are getting to the point where, you know, they're, they're more self-supportive than before.

So it was a little bit easier. So you parents out there, if you have. Three kids or less for four kids makes it it's a little bit easier. So, uh, just didn't hurt. 

[00:09:21] Tracy: Well, three, three hits, chaos, you know? Cause then you're outnumbered. But then when you get the fourth one in, you know, mathematically, the first one obviously is going to get older.

So yeah. There's always that. Yeah, definitely. 

[00:09:34] Wendell: Definitely. I learned how to, I learned how to multitask in a different way. Yeah, I bet you did. Um, because 15 of those years, Raising, you know, our kids growing up from whenever our oldest was 5, 6, 7, 7 years old for the next 15 years. I was a full-time student.

Yeah. [00:10:00] Working part-time and full-time jobs. Right. But life goes on and your children. You know, want to be involved in things and you want them to be involved in things and sports and whatever. So you, you know, you, you want to be present at those things at those events or whatever they are. So, I just learned how to multitask, maybe brought a book with me.

And read and watched a game at the same time or, 

[00:10:28] Tracy: or, yeah, I'm watching 

[00:10:29] Wendell: dad or stay up, stay up really late, um, and study and get three or four hours of sleep. And I remember those days and start all over again the next day. And you do that because partly because you, you, you need study time, but. And you're working or going to school day, but also because you want to be present for, or I did, I want to be present for the, for the kids and for the, for the family.

Right. I mean, I just, [00:11:00] I, I didn't want to be absent through this. I didn't want that at, you know, school to be, an excuse, you know, I wasn't always successful with that, but, I tried really hard and I think. No most of the time I was able, I was able to accomplish that. Right. 

[00:11:20] Tracy: I think you were successful in that.

I mean, you sacrificed quite a bit. 

[00:11:24] Wendell: Yeah. So, yeah. And, and I think, another thing, whenever your kids are young, everything is new everything's for the first time we had adventures every year, whether it was traveling, moving, exploring new friends. The gamut. We always had something new. Didn't realize that till I was thinking this, this question through.

And I think part of that was because, you know, we, we, we left our hometown and went back to school and were introduced to a whole nother group [00:12:00] of people. And then we moved with my job, later on. A few different times and we're able to experience different cultures and people and see things. We would never have been able to see if we would just have stayed in our hometown.

And that's true. That's true. So there was always something fresh and new that helped us create memories that were rich in meaning. That's good. 

[00:12:30] Tracy: Well, now we're looking back at, you know, being a father of young children fast forward to today to now, and you know, what do you see differences? Let me, my phrase a different way.

You know, now, now we have grandchildren. So what are some of the differences that you see in your role? As opposed to today, as opposed to, you know, being a father of young children. Now you're a [00:13:00] grandfather and our grandchildren are young. So what do you see some of the differences, 

[00:13:06] Wendell: Life is about learning. You know, we learn how to be parents. We learn how to be spouses. We learn how to be grandparents. And we are a sum of our, of our decisions and our experiences. And, you know, that's why I think we need to be intentional about the things that we do and, and decisions we make. 

You're a, some of those things, do they shape who you are? So, you know, that, that means there's mistakes along the way. Right. And that's just part of life. So if you have a perfect spouse or a perfect child, just give it another day and there'll be a mistake. Right. But that's okay because. Some of us are in different positions where we have a boss or a [00:14:00] boss, or, we, we have coworkers or things like that.

You know, you you're, you make mistakes or your coworkers make mistakes and you become wrapped up in that. And you learn from that. And it just goes from one, one thing to another. And, as we become older, And now we have grandchildren, you know, we've learned a lot over the years. We've been parents we're, we are parents, but we've raved raised children and we know the mistakes that we've made and at least most of them.

And, we've learned from those, some of them we haven't learned. So now I believe as grandparents, this is mine. Feeling about it is we become a safe comfort to our grandchildren. Not that their parents aren't right, but it's different with parents because parents, you know, when we were raising our kids, we were, I mean, obviously we were with [00:15:00] them 24 hours a day.

We were disciplinarian. We were the comforter. We were the. Sometimes the nurse and the doctor, the mediator, you name it, and the teacher, the educator, all of those things. But now, you know, as a grandparent, you become a safe comfort to the grandkids and we get to be in more of an intentional mentor to grandkids because we see a bigger picture.

We didn't see it as raising children. And there's, but there's no substitute to that. There's just no way around that. 

[00:15:37] Tracy: Right. You have to go through that process. You have to walk through those, those seasons before you get to that point. Right. And then when you look back, hindsight is always 2020. It just always is.

Right. So, with that, I want to ask you this, let's talk about, you know, being with the children 24 7, you know, most people say that moms never get a day off. And that's true. That's true. As a mom, I will [00:16:00] say we never get a day off, but why do, or why should fathers never get a day off? That's never, those two things are never put together.

People have say, mothers never get a day off, but nobody ever said, will fathers never get a day off because you know, of course the mothers would go, well, yes they do. Right. But you're saying fathers, shouldn't get a day off. 

[00:16:25] Wendell: Yeah. Well, I don't, I don't know if I'm saying it shouldn't is the right word, but you should, yeah, it's not shouldn't but we don't.

We, if we, if we do our job, right. And job is probably the wrong word, but if we fulfill your calling yeah. Our calling and our position is father. We don't get time off and this is becoming a very tight. Subject, because now we're in a, in an age, where is it, man, woman. She, he, it, I, [00:17:00] you know, I, and I don't, and I don't want to get into that.

There's a culture now of you're not allowed to offend anybody, even if it's unintentional. So I would just want to preface. You know this time by saying, I don't mean to offend anybody. I, this is just our experience and our life. And some of it I believe is, is the way that God intended it. And I think it's pretty clear in scripture.

I say that because there's a difference between. I think the mom and the dad from the standpoint of a spiritual covering, because of that, you bring as a father, as a, as a husband, you bring a stable, uh, stability, uh, to the family stable environment, to the family, include, you know, wife and children.[00:18:00] 

Is, uh, is because it's a S it's a spiritual covering it's, it's much different than the mom's role. The mom's role is, is important. It's just different. It's different, you know, for also as a father, for daughters, they measure their future. By the bar that their father has set. Think about that. That's pretty, it's pretty heavy.

It's pretty important. Especially when I have four daughters. 

[00:18:33] Tracy: Yeah. There's a lot of weight on your 

[00:18:34] Wendell: shoulders. And, you know, somebody, some people would say, well, you know what happens if there's not a man in the home, there's still an influence that that father has, whether they've passed or whether they're non-existent in the house.

They still have an influence. They still have had an influence. And even if children were too young, [00:19:00] say, uh, a father died and the child was young, I believe. God still has a way of having that DNA in our children. Right. And that's, you know why sometimes you might see it. If you do have an absence, absent spouse or a spouse who has passed and you see a child do something and you say, wow, that's just like whoever it was that they.

They don't remember meeting or they didn't spend that much time around. It's pretty amazing. Um, so there's this very strong spiritual element. And for sons, they provide the stability, strength, values, and integrity that they will live by for the rest of their, their life as they get older and they'll become fathers and husbands because of the bar you did or didn't.[00:20:00] 

And in the same way that the bar you set. Right? So not that mothers, you know, don't have a bar too, and they, you know, cause they do, but because it's a S there's a spiritual element to it. That's ordained by God. I didn't make it up. I'll explain that. Maybe a little bit further. Well 

[00:20:18] Tracy: into remember today, we're talking about fathers, so we're not, you know, ignoring mothers.

We are just. Today's just about father's day and about fathers in their role. So we will have another episode where we're talking about moms, right? Anyways. So with that, as you're talking about the spiritual covering, and you're talking about the spiritual aspect of fathers, in your message, you had talked about, we live for our wife and families as the priest over them.

Can you 

[00:20:48] Wendell: expound on that? Yeah. This is something that I think I really didn't and I, and I'm still learning it. But I didn't really see until the last maybe couple of years or so. And the best [00:21:00] way I can, I can describe this as in the last five or six years of my father's life. He was not audible. He couldn't talk and he needed help moving, you know, we, we took, yeah.

Care, we help my mom take care of him because she, she did all the, the impossible work. But we, we helped take care of him most every day. We w either myself or my brother was, were there and in between times too. But, but so the point is, is he, even though in that time where he couldn't speak or he couldn't, community do anything, can communicate. He w he still had the mantle of spiritual covering over his family and his family included three boys and their families. And if there were great grandchildren to him, or grandchildren, it would be the grandchildren too. He was [00:22:00] still, you know, and we don't know because he couldn't. There's some, there's some thought that he, he still could, he could recognize and he could see was he praying the whole time?

Yeah, we don't know. We don't know that, but, but the point is, is he was the spiritual covering and I believe that because of the life he lived and this is going to get maybe a little deep and, and maybe. Tell you, I believe that the, because this, the life he lived, he was the protector of the family down to the grandchildren.

You see hid the, some of my dad did not include the last five or six years. Right. It included his entire life. And for his entire adult life, married to my mom, knowing my dad and knowing his parents, my grandparents, they were built. [00:23:00] And praying and laying the foundation for his family way before he was married.

So just think about that a minute. His covering was as a result of all of those years. So when, even if in those last few years he was not able to pray or, or, or help direct or. Know, tell us not to do that or whatever. It didn't matter because he had already built that in us. He had already laid that foundation.

That's right. So when he passed, I remember experiencing, this is not a deep spiritual thing and it's not like I felt God touched my arm or something like that. But I could tell over the weeks after that I experienced the covering being removed. And I realized in a different way that now [00:24:00] I had to take the place.

Um, you had to pick up that mantle yeah. For my family. Right. It's really the order in which God has ordained. Even though I knew that for my family, I was who God chose to work through for my family. When my dad passed his covering for me was gone. You know, there's going to be some people that listen to this, that'll say, I know what he's talking about.

And there'll be some of some people that, you know, don't understand that, but I'm telling you it's a real thing. It was even more real because of the life he lived with integrity intention. He built that foundation in a very, very strong way, even though we didn't fully understand it as we grew, as we were growing up and even into our marriage.

Right. But I can remember that. I realized that that covering, [00:25:00] that I had always enjoyed, but didn't know was there, I realized it's gone. And that's had the greatest impact on me more than anything else in my life. That's why in the last few decades of my life in our life, I'll live intentionally to leave a legacy that is ready and prepared for life.

So, so that will prepare, I should say, my children. Our, our children and our grandchildren to go through life's journey 

[00:25:38] Tracy: to take up that mantle, to pass it on to the next generation. There'll be, 

[00:25:41] Wendell: but there'll be prepared for it. And they'll understand, even if they don't fully understand it, now it'll be, have, it'll have been built in their life.

They'll have demonstrations of it. They'll have that experience of it. And I believe God will reveal that to them in the right time. [00:26:00] 

[00:26:00] Tracy: There's a lot of, lot of, responsibility that comes with that. And I think it's important for the young families out there today, especially those who are living a family and trying to raise a family based on a biblical foundation.

They. Really facing a lot of, all say external noise and, things that disrupt family life and disrupt parenting, to different degrees, but to understand the importance, the spiritual importance that a father has. 

[00:26:38] Wendell: Yeah. And fathers, you're going to mess up. We all do. But we have to realize that the sum of our life as well, it's important.

Um, and like a wise man once told us both. If you make the mistake, it's okay, [00:27:00] because God will still, bless that. And he'll still use that opportunity. As a teaching opportunity as a life-changing opportunity, whatever it be, but God still has a way to use or 

[00:27:15] Tracy: looking to him. Yeah, absolutely. One thing I want to ask before we wrap up, and I know we've talked about fathers, we've talked about families, we've talked about children, but one of the things mentioned in the message and it's because we.

A few children who are not married. Specifically we have girls that are not married yet. So for those, I'll say men and women, if they're listening out there and they, you know, they, they're not in a relationship, they don't have, uh, you know, uh, you know, they're not, they're not, they don't have a spouse or maybe they're in a relationship and they're thinking about getting married.

 What are some words of advice? From a father that you would give them 

[00:27:58] Wendell: choose wisely.[00:28:00] You know, talk about your future with, with a potential mate. Is it a, is it a reflection of what God wants for your family or for the family? Marriage is the most selfless relationship on the face of the earth.

If both spouses come into a marriage with what they can get from it, that's a recipe for disaster. It's about giving preference for your spouse. Wow. Can you say that one more time? You got to remind me. No, no, no, no. Marriage is the most selfless relationship. If both spouses come into a marriage with what they can get from the marriage, that's a recipe for disaster.

It's about giving preference for [00:29:00] your spouse. Talk about your future with each other. That's where choosing wisely. Comes into play. If you, if you're not on the same page or you're not even in the, you know, in the, oh, let's really explore that. You know, um, I'm not going to say it's yes or no, but I want to hear what you have to say and discuss it.

Right. And B be open. So talk about your future. So remember you're married. Not for you, but it's for your spouse, you are giving your two away to your spouse every day, particularly husband. And that comes down to children and grandchildren. Right. Um, that's quite a calling. Remember that once you, and this is important.

 I see this as probably one of the epidemics may have been an epidemic when we were younger. I don't remember it that way, [00:30:00] but it certainly is an epidemic. And I think, you know, most people. You know, parents may be concerned about this, but remember that once you become an adult, everything changes when you were a child, it was all about your happiness and what you could get from life.

When you become an adult, it should be about what you can do for others. This is what will carry, will be carried into your marriage. Hmm, you can't still be an adolescent adult all about you and all of a sudden meet somebody and then talk about getting married and think it's going to change. You need to really, or we all need, you know, to go into marriage already practicing that selfless life and being an adult and adult means that there are people that need us.[00:31:00] 

And we have been that have been put in our path for us to have influence on and, and to help mentor and to help shape just be there, right. Because you will get the phone call. And so that's really important to know going, you know, as a single person thinking about marriage or wanting to be married. And I think, you know, our daughters.

By and large, the ones not married understand that. Right. And, are pretty picky about it. Yeah. 

[00:31:32] Tracy: Yep. That's what we said. They had comparing a potential spouse to you. They said is daunting. So is this going to be really hard to find that one, you know, that would, uh, live up to your standards and live up to you and what you have set in that bar that you have said.

So 

[00:31:52] Wendell: well happy father's day father's 

[00:31:55] Tracy: day, all the dads out there. 

[00:31:56] Wendell: And, and even though it sounds like it's a lot of work [00:32:00] and, and you just you're in the middle of it and it seems like it never ends. And you're so exhausted and, and you can't ever have time to yourself. The, the passage about reaping, what you sow is, is true.

And. And training your children is, is true. It will be your reward. It will be a kingdom reward really, right when they're older, right. 

[00:32:30] Tracy: It is an investment. Yeah. But you know what, it's one day at a time, one moment at a time. Yep. So you don't have to worry about what's going to happen next week. Just take care of it.

And enjoy 

[00:32:44] Wendell: those moments. 

[00:32:44] Tracy: Absolutely. Cause they will go by fast. Yes they will. I definitely, well we'll listen. Thanks for joining us. And we hope you've enjoyed the conversation. We look forward to talking with you guys again, please check us out on Facebook at family leadership [00:33:00] podcast at, family leadership podcast also on Instagram.

And, we'd love for you to leave us comment. And if you have any questions, just give us a message and we'll talk about that and we'll get back with 

[00:33:11] Wendell: you. Yeah. Are we going to put up any of our pictures that we've from our travels at some point or have we? 

[00:33:18] Tracy: Uh, no we haven't, but we will, we will, we will.

They're coming. They'll probably come up, maybe next week. So look for those, we been out on the road a little bit, so 

[00:33:29] Wendell: should we tell them where we went? 

[00:33:30] Tracy: Yeah. Yeah, because you know what, if somebody is in the area, we can give them a recommendation. 

[00:33:35] Wendell: Well, you know, I'm talking about the, the event. 

[00:33:39] Tracy: Oh, 

[00:33:41] Wendell: the we, since, since, uh, probably, I don't know, 72, 73, maybe 72.

 I was introduced to a music group by my then band director. Who at the time they were a fairly new group, you know, less than 10 years old. [00:34:00] And, I connected with their music and I just love it. And then Tracy, of course, at the same band director, and I don't know if that was the same influence on you.

It's our favorite group, our number one favorite group of all time. And that's the band Chicago. And we got to, we got to see them, on the second row. Yeah, it was, it was a tremendous event. And I think because every single one of their songs mean something different to us. Yeah. Um, but they remind, at least for me, they flooded my memory with memories, first of all, junior high school.

But most of those memories, if not all of those memories, Tracy's involved with them. And, so it was a great feel good evening. And it was, it was, I mean, we had loads of fun. Oh, it was so much fun. And then we stayed in St. Pete. Yes. And, just in. The weather over [00:35:00] there and yeah. Beautiful area. 

[00:35:04] Tracy: Yeah, definitely.

Definitely. So in one day, you know, we, I mean, we couldn't do this when the kids were younger, we had to wait for 40 years before we could. But take some time and spend a few days by herself. But that's okay. Yeah, we'll we put in pictures up very soon. There'll be on social media. And like I said, we'd love to hear from you guys.

 Hope you guys are having a good summer. And, um, like I said, we'll talk to you next time. .